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‘you should have this；“ she said； and a movement in the darkness told me she was holding something out to me across the bed。
my fingers closed on a rectangular leather object with a metal lock。 some sort of book。
‘from emmeline’s treasure box。 it will not be needed anymore。 go away。 read it。 when you e back we will talk。“
book in hand； i crossed the room to the door； feeling my way by the furniture in my path。 behind me was the tide of emmeline’s breath rolling in and out。
/d/
A DIARY AND A TRAIN
～
hester’s diary was damaged。 the key was missing； the clasp so rusted that it left orange stains on your fingers。 the first three pages were stuck together where the glue from the inner cover had melted into them。 on every page the last word dissolved into a brownish tide mark； as if the diary had been exposed to dirt and damp together。 a few pages had been torn； along the ripped edges was a tantalizing list of fragments： abn； cr； ta； est。 worst of all； it seemed that the diary had at some point been submerged in water。 the pages undulated； when closed； the diary splayed to more than its intended thickness。
it was this submersion that was going to cause me the greatest difficulty。 when one glanced at a page； it was clear that it was script。 not any old script； either； but hester’s。 here were her firm ascenders； her balanced； fluid loops； here were her fortable slant； her economic yet functional gaps。 but on a closer look； the words were blurred and faded。 was this line an l or a t？ was this curve an a or an e？ or an s； even？ was this configuration to be read as bet or lost？
it was going to be quite a puzzle。 although i subsequently made a transcript of the diary； on that day the holiday train was too crowded to permit pencil and paper。 i hunched in my window seat； diary close to my nose； and pored over the pages； applying myself to the task of deciphering。 i managed one word in three at first； then as i was drawn into the flow of her meaning； the words began to e halfway to meet me； rewarding my efforts with generous revelations； until i was able to turn the pages with something like the speed of reading。 in that train； the day before christmas； hester came to life。
i will not test your patience by reproducing hester’s diary here as it came to me： fragmented and broken。 in the spirit of hester herself； i have mended and tidied and put in order。 i have banished chaos and clutter。 i have replaced doubt with certainty； shadows with clarity； lacunae with substance。 in doing so； i may have occasionally put words into her page that she never wrote； but i can promise that if i have made mistakes； it is only in the small things； where it matters i have squinted and scrutinized until i am as sure as sure can be that i have distinguished her original meaning。
i do not give the entire diary； only an edited selection of passages。 my choice has been dictated first by questions of relevance to my purpose； which is to tell the story of miss winter； and second by my desire to give an accurate impression of hester’s life at angelfield。
angelfield house is decent enough at a distance； although it faces the wrong way and the windows are badly positioned； but on approaching； one sees instantly the state of dilapidation it has been allowed to fall into。
sections of the stonework are dangerously weathered。 window frames are rotting。 and it did look as though parts of the roof are storm…damaged。 i shall make it apriority to check the ceilings in the attic rooms。
the housekeeper weled me at the door。 though she tries to hide it； i understood immediately that she has difficulty seeing and hearing。 given her great age； this is no surprise。 it also explains the filthy state of the house； but i suppose the angelfield family does not want to throw her out after a lifetime’s service in the house。 i can approve their loyalty； though i fail to see why she cannot be helped by younger； stronger hands。
mrs。 dunne told me about the household。 the family has been living here with what most would consider a greatly reduced staff for years now； and it has e to be accepted as part of the way of the house。 quite why it should be so； i have not yet ascertained； but what i do know is that there is； outside the family proper； only mrs。 dunne and a gardener called john digence。 there are deer （though there is no hunting anymore）； but the man who looks after them is never seen around the house； he takes instruction from the same solicitor who engaged me and who acts as a kind of estate manager—so far as there is any estate management。 it is mrs。 dunne herself who deals with the regular household finances。 i supposed that charles angelfield looked over the books and the receipts each week； but mrs。 dunne only laughed and asked if i thought she had the sight to go making lists of figures in a book。 i cannot help but think this highly unorthodox。 not that i think mrs。 dunne untrustworthy。 from what i have seen she gives every indication of being a good…hearted； honest woman； and it is my hope that when i e to know her better i shall be able to ascribe her reticence entirely to deafness。 i made a note to demonstrate to mr。 angelfield the advantages of keeping accurate records and thought that i might offer to undertake the job myself if he was too busy to do it。
pondering this； i began to think it time i met my employer； and could not have been more surprised when mrs。 dunne told me he spends his entire day in the old nursery and that it is not his habit to leave it。 after a great many questions i eventually ascertained that he is suffering from some kind of disorder of the mind。 a great pity！ is there anything more sorrowful than a brain whose proper function has been disrupted？
mrs。 dunne gave me tea （which i pretended to drink out of politeness； but later threw into the sink for i had no faith in the cleanliness of the teacup； having seen the state of the kitchen） and told me a little about herself。 she is in her eighties； never married； and has lived here all her life。 naturally enough our talk then turned to the family。 mrs。 dunne knew the mother of the twins as a girl and young woman。 she confirmed what i had already understood： that it is the recent departure of the mother to an asylum for the sick of mind that precipitated my engagement。 she gave me such a contorted account of the events that precipitated the mother’s mittal that i could not make out whether the woman had or had not attacked the doctor’s wife with a violin。 it hardly matters； clearly there is a family history of disturbance in the brain； and i confess； my heart beat a little faster when i had it confirmed。 what satisfaction is there； for a governess； in being given the direction of minds that already run in smooth and untrammeled lines？ what challenge in maintaining ordered thinking in children whose minds are already neat and tidy？ i am not only ready for this job； i have spent years longing for it。 here； i shall finally find out what my methods are worth！
i inquired after the father’s family—…for though mr。 march is deceased and the children never knew him； still； his blood is theirs and has an impact on their natures。 mrs。 dunne was able to tell me very little； though。 instead； she began a series of anecdotes about the mother and the uncle； which； if i am to read between the lines （as i’m sure she meant me to）； contained hints of something scandalous… of course； what she suggests is not at all likely； not in england at least； and i suspect her of being somewhat fanciful。 the imagination is a healthy thing； and a great many scientific discoveries could not have been made without it； but it needs to be harnessed to some serious object if it is to e to anything。 left to wander its own way； it tends to lead into silliness。 perhaps it is age that makes her mind wander； for she seems a kind thing in other ways； and not the sort to invent gossip for the sake of it。 in any case； i immediately put the topic firmly from my mind。
as i write this i hear noises outside my room。 the girls have e out of their hiding place and are creeping about the house。 they have been done no favors； allowed to suit themselves like this。 they will benefit enormou