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nce away did i grab hold of the bars of the gate and clamber over。
the kitchen door was not locked。 i pulled off my boots； shook the snow off my coat and hung it up。 i walked through the empty kitchen and made my way to emmeline’s quarters； where i knew miss winter would be。 full of accusations； full of questions； i stoked my rage； it was for aurelius and for the woman whose bones had lain for sixty years in the burned…out ruins of angelfield’s library。 for all my inward storming； my approach was silent； the carpet drank in the fury of my tread。 i did not knock but pushed the door open and went straight in。 the curtains were still closed。 at emmeline’s bedside miss winter was sitting quietly。 startled by my entrance； she stared at me； an extraordinary shimmer in her eyes。
“bones！” i hissed at her。 “they have found bones at angelfield！” i was all eyes； all ears； waiting on tenterhooks for an admission to emerge from her。 whether it was in word or expression or gesture did not matter。 she would make it； and i would read it。
except that there was something in the room trying to distract me from my scrutiny。
‘bones？“ said miss winter。 she was paper…white and there was an ocean in her eyes； vast enough to drown all my fury。 ”oh；“ she said。
oh。 what richness of vibration a single syllable can contain。 fear。 despair。 sorrow and resignation。 relief； of a dark； unconsoling kind。 and grief； deep and ancient。
and then the nagging distraction in the room swelled so urgently in my mind that there was no room for anything else。 what was it？ some…ting extraneous to my drama of the bones。 something that preceded y intrusion。 for a faltering second i was confused； then all the insignificant things i had noticed without noticing came together。 the atmosphere in the room。 the closed curtains。 the aqueous transparency miss winter’s eyes。 the fact that the steel core that had always been r essence seemed to have simply gone from her。 my attention narrowed to one thing： where was the slow tide of emmeline’s breath？ no sound came to my ears。
‘no！ she’s—“
i fell to my knees by the bed and stared。
‘yes；“ miss winter said softly。 ”she’s gone。 it was a few minutes ago。“
i gazed at emmeline’s empty face。 nothing really had changed。 her scars were still angrily red； her lips had the same sideways slant； her eyes were still green。 i touched her twisted patchwork hand； and her skin was warm。 was it true that she was gone？ absolutely； irrevocably gone？ it seemed impossible that it should be so。 surely she had not deserted us pletely？ surely there was something of her left behind to console us？ was there no spell； no talisman； no magic that would bring her back？ was there nothing i could say that would reach her？
it was the warmth in her hand that persuaded me she could hear me。 it was the warmth in her hand that brought all the words into my chest； falling over each other in their impatience to fly into emmeline’s ear。
‘find my sister； emmeline。 please find her。 tell her i’m waiting for her。 tell her—“ my throat was too narrow for all the words and they broke against each other as they rose； choking； out of me。 ”tell her i miss her！ tell her i’m lonely！“ the words launched themselves impetuously； urgently from my lips。 with fervor they flew across the space between us； chasing emmeline。 ”tell her i can’t wait any longer！ tell her to cornel“
but i was too late。 the divide had e down。 invisible。 irrevocable。 implacable。
my words flew like birds into a pane of glass。
‘oh； my poor child。“ i felt the touch of miss winter’s hand on my shoulder； and while i cried over the corpses of my broken words； her hand remained there； lightly。
eventually i dried my eyes。 there were only a few words left。 rattling around loose without their old panions。 “she was my twin；” i said。 “she was here。 look。”
i pulled at the jumper tucked into my skirt； revealed my torso to the light。
my scar。 my half…moon。 pale silver…pink； a nacreous translucence。 the line that divides。
‘this is where she was。 we were joined here。 and they separated us。 and she died。 she couldn’t live without me。“
i felt the flutter of miss winter’s fingers tracing the crescent on my skin； saw the tender sympathy in her face。
‘the thing is—“ （the final words； the very last words； after this i need never say anything； ever again） ”i don’t think i can live without her“
‘child。“ miss winter looked at me。 held me suspended in the passion of her eyes。
i thought nothing。 the surface of my mind was perfectly still。 but under the surface there was a shifting and a stirring。 i felt the great swell of the undercurrent。 for years a wreck had sat in the depths； a rusting vessel with its cargo of bones。 now it shifted。 i had disturbed it； and it created a turbulence that lifted clouds of sand from the seabed； motes of grit swirling wildly in the dark disturbed water。
all the time miss winter held me in her long green gaze。 then slowly； slowly； the sand resettled and the water returned to its quietness； slowly； slowly。 and the bones resettled in the rusting hold。 “you asked me once for my story；” i said。 “and you told me you didn’t have one。”
“now you know； i do have one。”
‘i never doubted it。“ she smiled a poor regretful smile。 ”when i invited you here i thought i knew your story already。 i had read your essay about the landier brothers。 such a good essay； it was。 you knew so much about siblings。 insider knowledge； i thought。 and the more i looked at your essay； the more i thought you must have a twin。 and so i fixed upon you to be my biographer。 because if after all these years of tale telling i was tempted to lie to you； you would find me out。“
‘i have found you out。“
she nodded； tranquil； sad； unsurprised。 “about time； too。 how much do you know？ ”
‘what you told me。 only a subplot； is how you put it。 you told me the story of isabelle and her twins； and i wasn’t paying attention。 the subplot was charlie and his rampages。 you kept pointing me in the direction of jane eyre。 the book about the outsider in the family。 the motherless cousin。 i don’t know who your mother was。 and how you came to be at angelfield without her。“
sadly she shook her head。 “anyone who might have known the answer to those questions is dead； margaret。”
‘can’t you remember？“
‘i am human。 like all humans； i do not remember my birth。 by the time we wake up to ourselves； we are little children； and our advent is something that happened an eternity ago； at the beginning of time。 we live like lateers at the theater； we must catch up as best we can； divining the beginning from the shape of later events。 how many times have i gone back to the border of memory and peered into the darkness beyond？ but it is not only memories that hover on the border。 there are all sorts of phantasmagoria that inhabit that realm。 the nightmares of a lonely child。 fairy tales appropriated by a mind hungry for story。 the fantasies of an imaginative little girl anxious to explain to herself the inexplicable。 whatever story i may have discovered on the frontier of forgetting； i do not pretend to myself that it is the truth。“
“all children mythologize their birth。”
‘quite。 the only thing i can be sure of is what john…the…dig told me。“
‘and what did he tell you？“
‘that i appeared like a weed between two strawberries。“
she told me the story。
someone was getting at the strawberries。 not birds； because they pecked and left pitted berries。 and not the twins； because they trampled the plants and left footprints all over the plot。 no； some light…footed thief was taking a berry here and a berry there。 neatly； without disturbing a thing。 another gardener wouldn’t even have noticed。 the same day john noticed a pool of water under his garden tap。 the tap was dripping。 he gave it a turn； tightened it up。 he scratched his head； and went about his business。 but he kept an eye out。
the next day he saw a figure in the strawberries。 a little scarecrow； barely knee…high； in an overlarge hat that drooped down over its face。 it ran off when it saw him。 but the day after it was so determined to get its fruit that he