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e never sure of what i thought of it all。 “do you like that moon？” madox asked me after he’d known me for ten years。 he asked it tentatively； as if he had breached an intimacy。 for them i was a bit too cunning to be a lover of the desert。 more like odysseus。 still； i was。 show me a desert； as you would show another man a river； or another man the metropolis of his childhood。
when we parted for the last time； madox used the old farewell。
“may god make safety your panion。” and i strode away from him saying； “there is no god。” we were utterly unlike each other。
madoaid odysseus never wrote a word； an intimate book。 perhaps he felt alien in the false rhapsody of art。 and my own monograph； i must admit； had been stern with accuracy。 the fear of describing her presence as i wrote caused me to burn down all sentiment； all rhetoric of love。 still； i described the desert as purely as i would have spoken of her。 madox asked meabout the moon during our last days together before the war began。 we parted。 he left for england； the probability of the oning war interrupting everything； our slow unearthing of history in the desert。 good…bye； odysseus； he said grinning； knowing i was never that fond of odysseus； less fond of aeneas； but we had decided bagnold was aeneas。 but i was not that fond of odysseus either。 good…bye； i said。
i remember he turned back； laughing。 he pointed his thick finger to the spot by his adam’s apple and said； “this is called the vascular sizood。” giving that hollow at her neck an official name。 he returned to his wife in the village of marston magna； took only his favourite volume of tolstoy； left all of his passes and maps to me。 our affection left unspoken。
and marston magna in somerset； which he had evoked for me again and again in our conversations； had turned its green fields into an aerodrome。 the planes burned their exhaust over arthurian castles。 what drove him to the act i do not know。
maybe it was the permanent noise of flight； so loud to him now after the simple drone of the gypsy moth that had putted over our silences in libya and egypt。 someone’s war was slashing apart his delicate tapestry of panions。 i was odysseus； i understood the shifting and temporary vetoes of war。 but he was a man who made friends with difficulty。 he was a man who knew two or three people in his life； and they had turned out now to be the enemy。
he was in somerset alone with his wife； who had never met us。 small gestures were enough for him。 one bullet ended the war。
it was july
they caught a bus from their village into yeovil。 the bus had been slow and so they had been late for the service。 at the back of the crowded church； in order to find seats they decided to sit separately。 when the sermon began half an hour later； it was jingoistic and without any doubt in its support of the war。 the priest intoned blithely about battle； blessing the government and the men about to enter the war。 madox listened as the sermon grew more impassioned。 he pulled out the desert pistol； bent over and shot himself in the heart。 he was dead immediately。 a great silence。 desert silence。 planeless silence。 they heard his body collapse against the pew。 nothing else moved。 the priest frozen in a gesture。 it was like those silences when a glass funnel round a candle in church splits and all faces turn。 his wife walked down the centre aisle； stopped at his row； muttered something； and they let her in beside him。 she knelt down； her arms enclosing him。
how did odysseus die？ a suicide； wasn’t it？ i seem to recall that。 now。 maybe the desert spoiled madox。 that time when we had nothing to do with the world。 i keep thinking of the russian book he always carried。 russia has always been closer to my country than to his。 yes； madox was a man who died because of nations。
i loved his calmness in all things。 i would argue furiously about locations on a map； and his reports would somehow speak of our “debate” in reasonable sentences。 he wrote calmly and joyfully about our journeys when there was joy to describe； as if we were anna and vronsky at a dance。 still； he was a man who never entered those cairo dance halls with me。 and i was the man who fell in love while dancing。
he moved with a slow gait。 i never saw him dance。 he was a man who wrote； who interpreted the world。 wisdom grew out of being handed just the smallest sliver of emotion。 a glance could lead to paragraphs of theory。 if he witnessed a new knot among a desert tribe or found a rare palm； it would charm him for weeks。 when we came upon messages on our travels—any wording； contemporary or ancient； arabic on a mud wall； a note in english written in chalk on the fender of a jeep—he would read it and then press his hand upon it as if to touch its possible deeper meanings； to bee as intimate as he could with the words。
he holds out his arm； the bruised veins horizontal； facing up； for the raft of morphine。 as it floods him he hears caravaggio drop the needle into the kidney…shaped enamel tin。 he sees the grizzled form turn its back to him and then reappear； also caught； a citizen of morphia with him。
there are days when i e home from arid writing when all that can save me is “honeysuckle rose” by django rein…hardt and stephane grappelly performing with the hot club of france。
great jazz years。 the years when it floated out of the hotel claridge on the champs…elysees and into the bars of london； southern france； morocco； and then slid into egypt； where the rumour of such rhythms was introduced in a hush by an unnamed cairo dance band。 when i went back into the desert； i took with me the evenings of dancing to the of “souvenirs” in the bars； the women pacing like greyhounds； leaning against you while you muttered into their shoulders during “my sweet。” courtesy of the societe ultraphone franchise record pany。
there was the whispering of love in a booth。 there was war around the corner。
during those final nights in cairo； months after the affair was over； we had finally persuaded madox into a zinc bar for his farewell。 she and her husband were there。 one last night。 one last dance。 almasy was drunk and attempting an old dance step he had invented called the bosphorus hug； lifting katharine clifton into his wiry arms and traversing the floor until he fell with her across some nile…grown aspidistras。
who is he speaking as now？ caravaggio thinks。
almasy was drunk and his dancing seemed to the others a brutal series of movements。 in those days he and she did not seem to be getting on well。 he swung her from side to side as if she were some anonymous doll； and smothered with drink his grief at madox’s leaving。 he was loud at the tables with us。 when almasy was like this we usually dispersed； but this was madox’s last night in cairo and we stayed。 a bad egyptian violinist mimicking stephane grappelly； and almasy like a planet out of control。 “to us—the planetary strangers；” he lifted his glass。 he wanted to dance with everyone； men and women。 he clapped his hands and announced； “now for the bosphorus hug。 you； bernhardt？ hetherton？” most pulled back。 he turned to clifton’s young wife； who was watching him in a courteous rage； and she went forward as he beckoned and then slammed into her； his throat already at her left shoulder on that naked plateau above the sequins。 a maniac’s tango ensued till one of them lost the step。 she would not back down from her anger； refused to let him win by her walking away and returning to the table。 just staring hard at him when he pulled his head back； not solemn but with an attacking face。 his mouth muttering at her when hebent his face down； swearing the lyrics of “honeysuckle rose；” perhaps。
in cairo between expeditions no one ever saw much of almasy。 he seemed either distant or restless。 he worked in the museum during the day and frequented the south cairo market bars at night。 lost in another egypt。 it was only for madox they had all e here。 but now almasy was dancing with katharine clifton。 the line of plants brushed against her slimness。 he pivoted with her； lifting her up； and then fell。 clifton stayed in his seat； half watching them。 almasy lying across her and then slowly