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i wandered up to the church。 one thing that i’d been half afraid of； and half looking forward to； was being recognized by people i used to know。 but i needn’t have worried； there wasn’t a face i knew anywhere in the streets。 it seemed as if the whole town had got a new population。
when i got to the church i saw why they’d had to have a new cemetery。 the churchyard was full to the brim； and half the graves had names on them that i didn’t know。 but the names i did know were easy enough to find。 i wandered round among the graves。 the sexton had just scythed the grass and there was a smell of summer even there。 they were all alone； all the older folks i’d known。 gravitt the butcher； and winkle the other seedsman； and trew； who used to keep the george； and mrs wheeler from the sweet…shop—they were all lying there。 shooter and wetherall were opposite one another on either side of the path； just as if they were still singing at each other across the aisle。 so wetherall hadn’t got his hundred after all。 born in ‘43 and ‘departed his life’ in 1928。 but he’d beaten shooter； as usual。 shooter died in ‘26。 what a time old wetherall must have had those last two years when there was nobody to sing against him！ and old grimmett under a huge marble thing shaped rather like a veal…and…ham pie； with an iron railing round it； and in the corner a whole batch of simmonses under cheap little crosses。 all gone to dust。 old hodges with his tobacco…coloured teeth； and lovegrove with his big brown beard； and lady rampling with the coachman and the tiger； and harry barnes’s aunt who had a glass eye； and brewer of the mill farm with his wicked old face like something carved out of a nut—nothing left of any of them except a slab of stone and god knows what underneath。
i found mother’s grave； and father’s beside it。 both of them in pretty good repair。 the sexton had kept the grass clipped。 uncle ezekiel’s was a little way away。 they’d levelled a lot of the older graves； and the old wooden head…pieces； the ones that used to look like the end of a bedstead； had all been cleared away。 what do you feel when you see your parents’ graves after twenty years？ i don’t know what you ought to feel； but i’ll tell you what i did feel； and that was nothing。 father and mother have never faded out of my mind。 it’s as if they existed somewhere or other in a kind of eternity； mother behind the brown teapot； father with his bald head a little mealy； and his spectacles and his grey moustache； fixed for ever like people in a picture； and yet in some way alive。 those boxes of bones lying in the ground there didn’t seem to have anything to do with them。 merely； as i stood there； i began to wonder what you feel like when you’re underground； whether you care much and how soon you cease to care； when suddenly a heavy shadow swept across me and gave me a bit of a start。
i looked over my shoulder。 it was only a bombing plane which had flown between me and the sun。 the place seemed to be creeping with them。
i strolled into the church。 for almost the first time since i got back to lower binfield i didn’t have the ghostly feeling； or rather i had it in a different form。 because nothing had changed。 nothing； except that all the people were gone。 even the hassocks looked the same。 the same dusty； sweetish corpse…smell。 and by god！ the same hole in the window； though； as it was evening and the sun was round the other side； the spot of light wasn’t creeping up the aisle。 they’d still got pews—hadn’t changed over to chairs。 there was our pew； and there was the one in front where wetherall used to bellow against shooter。 sihon king of the amorites and og the king of bashan！ and the worn stones in the aisle where you could still half…read the epitaphs of the blokes who lay beneath them。 i squatted down to have a look at the one opposite our pew。 i still knew the readable bits of it by heart。 even the pattern they made seemed to have stuck in my memory。 lord knows how often i’d read them during the sermon。
here。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。fon； gent。；
of this parif h。。。。。。。。。。his juft &
upright。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
to his。。。。。。。。manifold private bene
volences he added a diligent。。。。。。。
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。beloved wife
amelia； by。。。。。。。。。。。。。。iffue feven
daughters。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
i remembered how the long s’s used to puzzle me as a kid。 used to wonder whether in the old days they pronounced their s’s as f’s； and if so； why。
there was a step behind me。 i looked up。 a chap in a cassock was standing over me。 it was the vicar。
but i mean the vicar！ it was old betterton； who’d been vicar in the old days—not； as a matter of fact； ever since i could remember； but since 1904 or thereabouts。 i recognized him at once； though his hair was quite white。
he didn’t recognize me。 i was only a fat tripper in a blue suit doing a bit of sightseeing。 he said good evening and promptly started on the usual line of talk—was i interested in architecture； remarkable old building this； foundations go back to saxon times and so on and so forth。 and soon he was doddering round； showing me the sights； such as they were—norman arch leading into the vestry； brass effigy of sir roderick bone who was killed at the battle of newbury。 and i followed him with the kind of whipped…dog air that middle…aged businessmen always have when they’re being shown round a church or a picture…gallery。 but did i tell him that i knew it all already？ did i tell him that i was georgie bowling； son of samuel bowling—he’d have remembered my father even if he didn’t remember me—and that i’d not only listened to his sermons for ten years and gone to his confirmation classes； but even belonged to the lower binfield reading circle and had a go at sesame and lilies just to please him？ no； i didn’t。 i merely followed him round； making the kind of mumble that you make when somebody tells you that this or that is five hundred years old and you can’t think what the hell to say except that it doesn’t look it。 from the moment that i set eyes on him i’d decided to let him think i was a stranger。 as soon as i decently could i dropped sixpence in the church expenses box and bunked。
but why？ why not make contact； now that at last i’d found somebody i knew？
because the change in his appearance after twenty years had actually frightened me。 i suppose you think i mean that he looked older。 but he didn’t！ he looked younger。 and it suddenly taught me something about the passage of time。
i suppose old betterton would be about sixty…five now； so that when i last saw him he’d have been about forty…five—my own present age。 his hair was white now； and the day he buried mother it was a kind of streaky grey； like a shaving…brush。 and yet as soon as i saw him the first thing that struck me was that he looked younger。 i’d thought of him as an old； old man； and after all he wasn’t so very old。 as a boy； it occurred to me； all people over forty had seemed to me just worn…out old wrecks； so old that there was hardly any difference between them。 a man of forty…five had seemed to me older than this old dodderer of sixty…five seemed now。 and christ！ i was forty…five myself。 it frightened me。
so that’s what i look like to chaps of twenty； i thought as i made off between the graves。 just a poor old hulk。 finished。 it was curious。 as a rule i don’t care a damn about my age。 why should i？ i’m fat； but i’m strong and healthy。 i can do everything i want to do。 a rose smells the same to me now as it did when i was twenty。 ah； but do i smell the same to the rose？ like an answer a girl； might have been eighteen； came up the churchyard lane。 she had to pass within a yard or two of me。 i saw the look she gave me； just a tiny momentary look。 no； not frightened； nor hostile。 only kind of wild； remote； like a wild animal when you catch its eye。 she’d been born and grown up in those twenty years while i was away from lower binfield。 all my memories would have been meaningless to her。 living in a different world from me； like an animal。
i went back to the george。 i wanted a drink； but the bar didn’t ope